


as the innocence fell asleep

by VincentsEyebrows



Category: Placebo (UK Band)
Genre: Abuse of Substances, M/M, Mental Illness, Mild Fluff, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 13:47:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15002177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VincentsEyebrows/pseuds/VincentsEyebrows
Summary: If Stefan sat there for a little longer, maybe reality would become so disjointed that he wouldn’t be sat in this lame hotel room anymore.Waiting had become tiresome.





	as the innocence fell asleep

**Author's Note:**

> This was SUPER impulsive but I’m kind of proud of it

Stefan lay down on the cold bathroom of his hotel room, strung out, his head positioned somewhere under the sink so the blinding lights of the ceiling would stop hurting his eyes. He wanted to lay out straight, but with his entire body being almost two metres long, he couldn’t quite fit in the tiny space. So his legs were propped up against the edge of the bathtub, his hand resting around his empty beer bottle as a cigarette burnt by the side of his head. 

Everything felt dark, his heart palpitated at rhythms that he hadn’t heard before. Or maybe he had, a bit too often to remember. His palms were sweaty and his torso felt like it was doused in cold water. His mind paced at a thousand miles per hour, going over thoughts and scenarios that all ended in a similar way. A pointless way, Stefan could say, but a way nevertheless.

Concerts, screaming crowds, love of men and women alike, drugs, fame, freedom, money, social status– None of these mattered in that completely bare and vulnerable moment. Because he was just a man, a sack of flesh and bruised limbs. Off the stage, he was nobody. He didn’t belong anywhere. He just moved and run and escaped and made new starts that all led to nothing. 

Stefan had reached this point of exasperation when he really felt like a completely tragic creature, moulded after a comical character that found no purpose in life. 

Tonight had been the biggest and most important event of their lives, David Bowie’s 50th birthday party. That was supposed to be a night of seamless celebration, a night of booze, laughing and sex. However, things never seemed to end that way anymore. Or they did, but Stefan’s mind was too all over the place to realise how significant the human contact was. 

He had come to realise that he had truly become a disgusting human being. If all his mind could do was jump back and forth between these elements, the fact that he didn’t put an end to them repulsed him. It would had been easy to cut his wrists open and end all sort of conflict that went through his intoxicated head. But he couldn’t even do that. He couldn’t take the drastic decision. He clutched his beer bottle and threw it across the room, to the door frame where it shattered to pieces. Strangely, the thought of ruining something no longer gave him a sense of satisfaction. 

Stefan felt like a man without a sense of taste in the richest restaurant, like a colour blind man exposed to a field of flowers with the largest array of colours, he felt like a deaf man that listened to the highest quality of music. Uncaring, pointless. The bitter taste that strange events left on his tongue was gone as well, now it was just a blunt nothingness. The thud that echoed from the bedroom must had been his imagination, because his body didn’t even budge at the recognition of it. He turned his head to the opened door of the bathroom and tried to see through the darkness, at the small figure that lay curled on the ground, clad in black clothes that didn’t help distinguish him from the all absorbing shadows. 

Stefan was sinking back into his vicious circle of thought when a quiet sob filled his ears. The slight source of noise served in activating something in him, he was proved that he wasn’t deaf yet. So Stefan pulled himself into a sitting position without, miraculously, ramming his head into the sink. “Bri?” He asked, his voice dry and hoarse from hours of crying that went by without him taking notice of his own state. He heard the sob again and he decided against standing. His brain was too fuzzy. He crawled across the bathroom, to the open door and into the darkness that engulfed him. Familiar, warm, darkness that should had felt uninviting to any person that held their sanity. 

Now that he was closer, Stefan could actually see whiteness into the endless blackness, which was Brian’s arms and back, showing from his black dress. “Bri, can you hear me?” Stefan croaked, his hand shaking the smaller man’s body. All he received in response was a cry and a shove at his arm. He saw Brian covering his eyes and kicking into the floor, his breath coming out ragged and mixing with sobs that wretched Stefan’s already bleeding heart. 

See, Stefan and Brian were more alike than they seemed to be. However, Brian was never as good at hiding it as Stefan was. He always seemed to burst when he was alone, he always seemed to act on impulse when he felt fed up.

Brian tried to pull himself to his feet and walk towards the bathroom, the only source of light in their small hotel room. But his knees gave out and he was flat against the plush carpet, the impact his head made with the floor going unnoticed due to all the substances that were going through his bloodstream right then. He tried again and he collided with the ground again, his head hitting the tiles of the bathroom this time. Stefan had to grab him by the shoulders and pull him towards the right direction, until his side rested against the end of the bathtub. 

Now he could see the entirety of the mess that Brian currently was, his hair looked like it had nearly been yanked out of his scalp, his makeup smudged and his thighs scratched. Stefan reached with his hands for his lower waist, just to confirm his suspicions that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. “Who did you fuck, Bri?” He asked, his voice filled with worry. 

Brian shook his head and pressed the side of his face against the bathtub. “I don’t know– I don’t remember and I don’t care either.” He tried to pat around for cigarettes, as if that would help him in the least. “It doesn’t work, Stefan,” he cried out, voice barely above a whisper as he pulled himself closer. “It doesn’t work, it doesn’t work!” He buried his hands into his greasy hair and hit his head into the wall. “I don’t feel anything– I’m so tired… I’m so tired.” Brian gradually sank to the floor again, body wrecked with tremors and cries that seemed to be alien to anyone that had never felt like the two of them had. “Make it stop.” He nearly pleaded, pulling at his hair and pressing his knees to his chest. “Make it go away.” 

The more Brian dragged his hands around his face, the more he stained it. He shoved his fingers into the strands of his hair and pressed his cheek into the inside of his arm– And that was when Stefan noticed the large stain that freshly coloured Brian’s cheek into a crimson red. He had cut himself. “Baby,” Stefan tried, moving closer and attempting to wrap his arms around the smaller man’s quivering form. “Let me see your arms, let me see them.” His voice was soft and low, his brows furrowing and his eyes doused in worry. He gripped at Brian’s palms and pulled his arms down where he could see them. 

Brian looked down as well, but his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “Oh my God…” he whispered, soon to break into another sob as he started shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Stef, I– Didn’t realise I–“ he choked out, the blood feeling alien and unfamiliar, oozing out of his white flesh. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry–“ he coughed and pressed his hands to his mouth, desperately breaking them out of Stefan’s hold. 

Stefan seemed to take the cue, because, in a moment, he was grabbing Brian by the waist and hoisting his upper half over the bathtub. The smaller of the two shook as he vomited. All that poured out was alcohol mixed with stomach acid and the stench was so bad that Stefan wondered when had the last time he had eaten been. He held him close, one hand on his forehead, pushing his hair back, the other rubbing his shoulders. He was hot, but unlike most of the times, it wasn’t cold sweat that the Swede felt under his palms. It was as warm as Brian’s entire body. If Stefan’s mind hadn’t been so cloudy, he would had realised it was a fever, probably from being exposed to the cold in just a tiny dress. 

When Brian’s body slumped against the tub, Stefan pulled him to the ground and pressed him tightly against his body. He grabbed some toilet paper and wiped his mouth off, even though the damage to his clothes was already done. He let Brian sit on the floor between his spread legs, his arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders as Stefan kissed his head. He smelt like different men. Rich men, these perfumes didn’t belong to someone that lived off minimum wage. Yet Stefan didn’t mind, not when he had that tiny body in his arms, the only person troubled enough to understand his own sorrow. 

Brian’s arms fisted into Stefan’s chest and his face pressed into his shoulder in vulnerability. He wasn’t hiding it, he knew he didn’t have to fake being alright in front of Stefan. They stunk of vomit and alcohol, but in a way, that scent felt like home to them. From the vomit on his dress, to the scratches that reached his combat boots, none of this felt unfamiliar. Even his sobbing stopped, because Stefan was there, telling him it was alright. He was home, he was safe. 

In that moment Stefan knew that he had to keep going. Because as soon as he pressed his face into Brian’s unwashed hair, right when he grasped his shaking body, he understood that Brian needed him more than he thought. He needed to be taken care of, he needed to be protected and he needed to be loved. The soft kiss that Brian pressed to his palm as he cried out and buried it into his chest made Stefan’s heart beat harder than it had in months, the sense of being needed brought a strange feeling to his body. He didn’t have to live for himself, he didn’t have to live just to say he did so, he had to live for someone, for someone that would be lost without him. 

Because Stefan now knew he had value, he saw it in Brian’s smile. He always flashed him a sad little smile and thanked him for everything, and that was enough for Stefan to realise that he wasn’t selfish enough to leave him alone in this shithole of a world. He wrapped his arms somewhere underneath Brian’s ribcage and pulled him closer, his face pressing into his neck and breathing him in, taking in the scent of the only human being that truly mattered to him. 

And by the only one, Stefan truly meant the only one. He didn’t care about himself, hell, he couldn’t give a fuck about himself. But the love that had grown in his chest was too big, too selfless to hurt Brian. 

Stefan knew he’d have to be there, he would have to stay and protect him, 

and Brian would be there too, because even if he didn’t realise it, he kept Stefan going. 

They both knew that they needed each other.


End file.
